What is love bombing and can it happen in my friendships?
Love bombing is a narcissistic tactic of showering someone with love, affection, gifts, time, etc. early on in a friendship or relationship as a means of manipulating or swaying that person into staying in the friendship/relationship. You might ask...why would a friend want to manipulate me? Narcissists attempt to manipulate others for their own personal gain. In some way love bombing you provides a boost of confidence and energy to the other person. They are basically reeling you in with their manipulation and they thrive on isolating you and making you reliant/dependent on their friendship.
Love bombing can absolutely happen in a friendship and when it does, it may be hard to identify the symptoms and grasp what is happening. You may feel excited to have someone want to spend so much time with you and tell you intimate details of their life... It can feel really good to have someone that you can share secrets and special details about yourself with too. Having that best friend can feel so welcoming and safe...But, just like in our romantic relationships...sometimes too much too soon is not a good thing.
Love bombing is used in romantic relationships and friendships alike. The goal of love bombing is to build dependence on that relationship, which leads to patterns of isolation from other relationships and your social world as a whole. We see love bombing from individuals with narcissistic personality disorder, as they use the tactic to gain control and power in the friendship. Your reliance on the other person increases the individuals power and control over you. Love bombing may feel good initially, but it is always replaced by unhealthy behavior...and you are always left scratching your head as to what happened...how did my friend change so much and will they come back???
Some common and easy to recognize signs of love bombing are:
Narcissism: Underlying the love bombing is a sense of narcissism. Easy to recognize signs of narcissistic behavior and abuse include: attention seeking, putting others down to build themselves up, entitlement, exploiting others, arrogance and a sense of grandiose self-importance, lack of empathy, need for admiration (without ever actually earning it), deceiving others, etc. Narcissistic abuse may involve: gaslighting, emotional and verbal abuse, constantly putting you down, isolation, causing constant fear of losing the friendship or relationship, etc.
Sharing intimate secrets about themselves early on in the friendship- this is used to build a close and intimate connection rapidly and make the listener (you) feel special to be granted knowledge to these details. Sharing special information so early creates a strong and instant bond...almost without even realizing it.
Emulation and copying behavior: One of the best ways to make someone else comfortable is to copy them and emulate their style, behavior, mannerisms speech pattern, etc. A love bomber may do many of these copying behaviors to make you feel more comfortable with them quickly in the friendship. Your friend may start to dress like you, talk like you, act like you and build the same hobbies as you as a way of building the relationship rapidly.
Gift giving: A love bomber may give you gifts as a way of showing affection. These gifts are a way of making you feel good about the other person and feeling like you owe the other person something in exchange. Sometimes the gift may be small and trivial but are designed to create a heartfelt connection that is not authentic. The gifts always come with an expectation of something in return, whether time, energy, a gift of your own, etc.
Spending lots of time together either in person or through phone calls, texting and social media contact. The love bomber may try and isolate you from others simply by occupying much of your free time. You may not even notice that you stop reaching out to others because you are so entrenched in chatting with this new person so often.
Isolation: a love bomber will not want to share you with others and will often attempt to isolate you from other friends. They make comments or gestures that they are the only one who understands you. They may try and create conflict in your other relationships or make up lies and minimize your other friendships. They may also find another way to separate you from other healthy individuals in your life.
Praise and positive acknowledgments: It can feel really good to be praised and commended by someone, but a love bomber is doing it in order to bring you further into the friendship. The comments may be excessive (yet lacking in detail) and often making you feel like that love bomber is the only one who sees your success and power. Constant use of compliments may initially feel good, but eventually you realize it is not authentic.
Playing the victim: A narcissist is not capable of apologizing authentically for their behavior and will turn any situation where their behavior is being addressed back around on you. Suddenly they are calling out your behavior, making you feel like you have done something wrong and creating a situation where you are encouraged to apologize and ignore the reason you initiated the conversation in the first place. A love bombing narcissist is not capable of actually and authentically apologizing for or acknowledging their bad behavior, they need to always be the victim in their narrative.
Close friendships are amazing; however they do not include isolation, any form of abuse or a power and control dynamic. You can absolutely find a best friend, close friend or someone you love who meets every need, but does not harm you in any way. Just as we think about romantic relationships, we can say love does not hurt and the same can be said for our friendships. We want to surround ourselves with people who build us up and make us feel good... not just for their benefit.
By being aware of some of these friendship/love bombing red flags you can absolutely weed through unhealthy people in your life and create lasting, healthy and truly wonderful friendships. Love bombing is not new. However, we have a new name for it. Historically we would call love bombing - narcissistic abuse. Like we see in narcissistic abuse when the abuser’s behavior is called out, they will become aggressive and create scenarios where they are the victim. The key to communicating with a love bombing narcissist is boundaries, boundaries and more boundaries. Use your assertive voice, set your boundaries and meet your needs. There are ways to come back from engaging with a love bomber and they very much include self-reflection, self-care, and meeting your needs.
If you have been in an unhealthy friendship or relationship there is much that can be done to help you manage the emotional aftermath. Therapy is one of the best ways to process your experience and build healthy coping tools to manage the emotions and triggers that have developed. You are not alone and counseling is an excellent way to regain control of yourself, experience and future.
If you would like more information or would like to work with Alison Murphey please click HERE. Alison Murphey, LMFT is licensed in California and accepting new clients in the state of California only.